And I wanted to spare her whatever emotional baggage I could . . .she finally seemed to me to be becoming healthy. So I kept it to myself, butthe rush of estrogen, the smaller rush of testosterone, my changing body andmy parental and social situations wound up putting so much stress on me thatI was an absolute emotional wreck. And the fact that I was a wreck impactedmost of the situations that were making me a wreck, in a vicious circle.Eventually I bugged out. Alissa and I were sitting on our McSwings talking,when we should have been in school, and she mentioned my friend Jay, whom Ihadn't seen in weeks, except for occasionally at school.I broke down crying."I haven't spoken to Jay in almost two months," I sobbed, "and I haven'tspoken to Joe or Bern either, and I miss them, Liss . . . All I fucking doanymore is sit around in my room and listen to Placebo and the Bouncing Soulsand wait for you and it doesn't make me sad but I miss you so much so manyhours every day and I can't tell. Laura and Joshua tried to tell me we didn't murder them, we killed them for security purposes. I could 'taste' their doubt about this statement when they told me this but I knew we didn't dare let any information get back to MS13 about our actions. We offered as many people as we could membership into the clans, but we still ended up with people who no one wanted for one reason or another. We gave these people a choice, either enlist with our army for the duration of the war, following which they would be given enough supplies and seed to survive until they harvested their first crop, or an immediate escort to the Arizona border. We knew these troops would not be as dependable as clan members but they were not going to be thrown into battle as the spearhead of any offensive either. Unless combat reached the stronghold and everyone was fully engaged they would be acting as rear area support for the front line troops.We had run trucks to several large buildings in the clan areas to.
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