I yank the door open and there’s a kid sitting there on the seat! He goes, ‘Hola! Buenos dias!’ I’ve got a six-year-old kid playing bumper cars in the Walmart parking lot! He can’t even see over the dashboard!” I mimed moving a steering wheel above my head. “He’s got one foot on the gas pedal and one on the brakes.” As the others kept laughing, I added foot movements to my imitation.“What, he get out of the car seat?” asked Roy.“Bingo! I reach in and grab the keys and shut it down, and in the back seat are a couple of baby girls in car seats. They’ve slept through the whole thing. There was an empty car seat in the front passenger seat. Mom left her sunglasses in the store and parked and ran back inside after parking at the entrance. Dale Earnhardt figured out how to climb out of his car seat and managed to put the Jeep in gear.”“Mom comes racing up and yanks him out of the Jeep and starts chewing his ass in Spanish, he starts crying, and that wakes up the girls in the back seat.. Then lipstick. Elmer was instantly transformed intoa fully made-up, female version of himself. He had breasts and hips andhigh heels. He was chased by cartoon wolves.Time stopped. The boy couldn't breathe. Ignored by his family, his tinyeyes drank in the impossibility of it. A boy changing into a girl.It was over in seconds, but the image branded itself everlastingly intohis heart, his soul, into the very center of his existence. Sixty yearslater those few seconds of inspired animation would be as bright, asclear as ever, forever at the front door of memory.He didn't know what he saw. He didn't know why his stomach leapt, whyhe felt suddenly weightless. He was too young; all he could do was letthe feelings tsunami over him.But when he finally felt normal, he knew one thing. Somehow, he knewone thing. He was only five, he didn't yet have the words for it, butsomehow, he knew it: Never tell. Never, never, never tell. Never tell.Never tell.
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