"If I go through all that—the surgery, the chemo, the radiation—what's that going to get me?" she asked through teary eyes. "Another month? Two? And for what? Feeling like shit after taking a handful of pills? Or throwing up for two days after the radiation? No, Amberle, I want to die with dignity. I just want to be comfortable and spend as much time as I can with you and our daughter."The doctors had done all they could, and she resigned herself to the fact that this would mean her death.I took her home. She was a shell of her former self. She had lost a lot of weight, and her glorious mane of raven-black hair was just now growing back. She seemed so frail, so weak. So unlike the vibrant woman I was used to seeing.But her smile never changed. The look in her eyes told me how much she loved me.For a while, she tried to function around the house, but she quickly got worse. As the cancer spread, so did the terrible pain. Her body was often hunched over and she had to fight to smile,. I was still spending weekends at Steve's house and the two of us got along fine, relating to one another almost like husband and wife. Almost.Thailand had been good to me. I had arrived there newly divorced, nearly broke, and with only a one year contract on my job. Five years later, age 48, I had 100,000 dollars saved, thanks to my frugality, Steve's good financial advice, and a booming stock market. But my relationship with Steve was going nowhere. Sex with him was a rarity, except that he liked to watch me fuck other men and sometimes joined in to make a threesome. He was still screwing several Thai bar girls every week.Moreover, in my years of working abroad I had fallen way, way behind in my former profession as a computer systems consultant. I barely knew anything about the internet and the World Wide Web. In the refugee camp where I worked our technology was pencil and paper 1.0. I still had my license as a Certified Public Accountant but I wasn't up to speed in that field.
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